


Happy Panda Family Fun Time

by rabidchild67



Category: White Collar
Genre: Crack, DEAL WITH IT, Multi, Neal Peter and El belong together, Parody, even if they're pandas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 07:59:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about panda husbandry. No, really.</p>
<p>This is a fill for the Icon Prompt Challenge I posted on my LJ. LauraCollaredprompted me with the word “Neal” and this icon:<br/><img/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Panda Family Fun Time

“…and in other news, it seems that the panda love connection at the National Zoo has hit a bit of a snag. Our own Linda Linklater has this report.”

“Thank you, Brett. Zookeepers are befuddled as to why the match of two giant pandas has apparently been stalled before a first date could even be arranged. As you see on this footage, Neal the panda is clearly not interested in his new mate, Elizabeth, as he has taken to ignoring her completely. I asked animal behaviorist Dr. Dante Haversham about it and he had this to say.”

_“Well, Linda, we had initially allowed both of our male pandas, Neal and Peter, to be housed together and they really had a terrific relationship, looking out for each other’s safety and even comforting each other in times of illness and upset. When we separated them earlier this week, so that we could introduce the female Elizabeth to Neal, the younger, more vital male, he almost completely shut down, becoming sad and mopey. As you see him in there now, he’s taken to sitting in the corner, staring listlessly at the wall, and he won’t eat or engage with any of us. Elizabeth, as you see, is pretty unfazed by it all, just munching on her bamboo shoots.”_

_“Pandas are pretty delicate creatures, aren’t they?”_

_“They are, and that’s a good observation. We still know only a fraction about their behavior, and how they operate within family groups. But if Neal doesn’t come out of this soon, we’ll have to reevaluate our breeding plan. The species is on the brink of extinction, and it’s vital we have a successful mating. We’d hate to lose her, but if Neal won’t pay attention to Elizabeth, this love match will be over before it began.”_

“There you have it, Brett. And Dr. Haversham told me that if Neal the panda continues this behavior, which can only be called a depression, his own health may be adversely affected. Back to the studio.”

xXxXxXxXx

“Well, I’d say I don’t think I’ve seen a stranger story than this. As has been previously reported, Neal the giant panda, who had rejected his potential mate, has taken a bit of a turn for the worse. Zookeepers have decided on a novel course of action that has caused a bit of an uproar. Our own Linda Linklater has the story.”

“Thanks, Brett. As you see in this file footage, Neal the panda has been moping around in his enclosure, ever since his companion Peter was removed from their home so that Neal could mate with Elizabeth the panda. Zookeepers think they may have come up with a solution, but that has caused a controversy.

“It’s been suggested that if Peter the panda were re-introduced into the enclosure, perhaps Neal would come around – come out of his funk, as it were, and show an interest in mating with Elizabeth. Family and religious groups, however, have begun to protest this arrangement on moral grounds. We have this tape…”

_“It’s just wrong. The fact these people had two males living together to begin with was kind of over the top and unbelievable, but now they want to have two males and a female together? Can’t they just stay friends? What kind of message does that send? Think of the children!”_

“So said Phillip Kramer, president of the Family Morality Coalition, who has been demonstrating on the plaza outside the zoo’s main entrance for the last two days. Animal rights activists, however, are swift to point out that assigning human morality to the animal kingdom is a flawed argument.”

_“What a bunch of nutjobs. They’re animals – we have to think about the well-being of this creature, which is precious and rare, and we owe him a fighting chance at happiness and survival. Anyway, don’t these people have jobs?”_

“That was Sara Ellis, spokesperson for the local chapter of the ASPCA, Brett.”

“Seems like much ado about nothing, Linda.”

“Indeed, Brett. I also have animal behavior expert, Dr. Dante Haversham with me today. Dr. Haversham, it was your idea to reintroduce Peter panda into the mix here, would you care to comment?”

“Well, as I have been saying, ensuring the health and happiness of these animals is our primary concern. Neal clearly needs Peter, so we have little choice. Without him, Neal may die, and if between the three of them we have a chance of furthering the survival of this species, I don’t understand what the big deal is. Who are we to dictate how pandas live their lives, right, Linda? Love is beautiful in all its forms.”

“Right you are, Dr. Haversham. There you have it, Brett, the zoo has the panda’s well-being to take into account here, so I’m not sure there’s much these protest groups can do to stop this. One thing is clear – Neal and Peter belong together, and there’s not a lot the fans can do about it. Back to the studio.”

xXxXxXxXx

“We have breaking news for you this evening. As has been reported, the non-traditional family of three adult pandas at the National Zoo have produced a cub, and Eyewitness News has the exclusive unveiling of the tiny miracle. We take you live to our own Linda Linklater. Linda?”

“Thank you, Brett. It’s official – it’s a boy!

“Zoo officials are excited to announce the birth of a boy panda to loving parents Elizabeth, Neal and Peter. The new cub, named Satchmo, was born three months ago, but officials were loath to announce it until they were certain he would survive.

“I’m here once again with Dr. Dante Haversham, who has promised to allow our cameras into the private enclosure where the panda family is being kept for the duration, to shield them from too many zoo visitors and not stress the animals too much. Dr. Haversham, what are we seeing here?”

“As you see, Linda, all three pandas are very caring for the cub, who is now being held by… I believe it’s Peter? Yes, it’s Peter – that’s Neal standing over his shoulder, and I swear he’s smiling, but that is just silly. If you’ll look over there, Elizabeth panda is gathering food and water for the other two. They all take it in turns, which we have found to be truly fascinating, the way they all care for and support each other equally.”

“Do we know who the father of the baby is, Dr. Haversham?”

“We’re not sure actually, and the pandas aren’t talking, ha-ha! It doesn’t seem to matter to these animals in the slightest, though we will know for sure when we’ve taken a DNA sample from the cub later in the year.”

“Does it really matter who the daddy is?”

“I really don’t think so, Linda. You know, we learn so much from these animals every single day. We have a happy and functioning family unit here, I’m not sure we really need anything more. Oh look – Neal panda is nuzzling Peter panda!”

“That’s just adorable, Dr. Haversham. I guess families can come in all shapes and sizes, can’t they?”

“Linda?”

“Yes Brett?”

“Has the zoo seen any indication of more protests, as they had earlier in the year?”

“Dr. Haversham?”

“That is a good question, Brett. We do anticipate a renewed interest now that we’re announcing little Satchmo there. The most important thing is the health and happiness of that little guy and his mom and two dads, so we’re prepared to deal with it with additional security around their enclosure.”

“Do you expect it to affect business at all?”

“Actually, since we’ve gotten them all together, we’ve had an uptick in donations and supporters, so aside from extra security, we’re getting along really well since we put these guys together. You know, people just have to put it all into perspective – these are animals, and what’s happening here doesn’t adversely affect anyone’s lives.”

“There you are, Brett – people need to get over themselves, maybe, just a little. Back to the studio!”

\----

Thank you for your time.


End file.
